WORLD ON ALERT AS URBAN TAPEWORMS GROW IN POWER

There are perhaps no animals more frightening to humanity than a tapeworm. Combining the creepy crawly nature of common earthworms and the almost primordial fear of snakes, living in the human body and ever growing, the tapeworm is an embodiment of some of our worst fears. Most commonly borne from
tainted beef or fish, some species of tapeworm can grow up to 100 feet long inside the body of a mammal, causing various types of sometimes fatal diseases.

Most common in tropical third world countries, tapeworm and flatworm infections have recently started to migrate into the human population in first world urban centres such as Chicago and Tokyo. Concerns have been raised across Asia, North America, and Europe as incidents of urban tapeworm sightings have become more and more common. Experts are as yet hesitant to issue global warnings about the increased incidents but are carefully watching outbreaks and beginning to monitor borders for any sign of illegal crossings by worm shaped animals.

“The increasing popularity of dishes such as sushi and sashimi as well as decreasing standards of cleanliness at restaurants across the United States has led to the phenomenon we are seeing. The most common source of transmission is from fish to humans when the food is either uncooked or undercooked. It also occurs when a person preparing food has become infected by say coming in contact with animal feces,” said Dr. Edward Ghent of the CDC. “That it part is the reason for the move into urban areas where food like sushi is common and dog owners are reticent to pick up after their pets. Those two circumstances have led to a perfect storm that is the perfect environment for tapeworms to thrive and they are taking full advantage of the opportunities with which we are presenting.”

Doctors recommend eating sushi and other uncooked fish from reputable establishments and asking before ordering if the chefs have been handling animal feces and not washing. In cases of the latter officials are recommending that if people receive even remotely suspicious answers they should go to another restaurant.

“Like many other diseases our modern indulgences like sushi and dog feces have become our undoing. Similar to our desire to efficient movement through airport security led to the events of 9/11, our apathy in asking simple questions in order to expedite delivery of food into our
mouths has put at risk and potentially created a situation that may never be fully resolved,” said Scrape TV Health analyst Rebecca Phelps. “There’s really no way of telling how far tapeworms have penetrated into our culture and society. Much like Al Qaeda Tapeworms have no real central organization and each cell operates more or less independently leaving us with no clear idea of where and when they might strike next. That makes them at least as dangerous as terror cells if not more due to the fact that everyone needs to eat.”

Governments across the world are starting to develop contingency plans should a massive tapeworm infection break out amongst the urban population. The World Health Organization, fresh off its Phase 6 Swine Flu success, is flirting with the idea of adding tapeworms to their watch list.

“The really horrible thing about this enemy is that it can live inside us for years, decades even, without us knowing. We handle our feces and then cook dinner for our family and all of a sudden you have infections in every neighbourhood in every city in the civilized world,” continued Phelps. “There is a real danger here of mass infection and though it’s unlikely that a tapeworm infection will undo human society as we know it there is always the distinct possibility especially if we completely ignore the threat.”

Health officials are also recommending people not ingest animal or human feces unless it is properly cooked.